lost train of thoughts .

dreams.

Tue, 06 Nov 2012 11:04:50 -0700

I don’t know why but lately I have been having these dreams where I am repeatedly shot and bashed in the head. Yet, no matter how many times I am shot, I just won’t fucking die. You would think that my brain would register that it is a dream when my brains are hanging out and yet somehow I am still alive, but no. It is fucking horrible. You would think I would wake up, but no.

Just fucking horrible.

Decided to make a costume last minute XD Captain Teemo on duty!~...

Wed, 31 Oct 2012 21:40:00 -0600

Decided to make a costume last minute XD

Captain Teemo on duty!~ :3

Honestly,

Tue, 16 Oct 2012 00:56:10 -0600

I don’t know anymore. I don’t know if I have completely given up on the idea of friendship or if I am just afraid of the whole idea. My friendship history hasn’t exactly shown the best outcomes. I don’t know if I am not trying because I simply don’t want to or because I’m afraid to face the outcome of my efforts. It’s sad really. In the midst of my confusion I feel like I’m letting the two only people I even consider to be my “best friends” anymore (if they were to really exist) slip away. I want to prevent it but at the same time, perhaps this is for the better. I am not exactly the greatest friend anyhow. How selfish of me, right? But, based on my past experiences, that holds true.

I think I’m just tired of disappointment, even though disappointment lies around every corner. Tired of disappointment from others and in myself. I’ve become a coward.

mrfuug: thatcrazystupidlove: Carly Rose Sonenclar |...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 14:59:00 -0600

mrfuug:

thatcrazystupidlove:

Carly Rose Sonenclar | Brokenhearted

Wow. She’s so amazing.

(If I dig long enough, water will appear I just know...

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 03:00:00 -0600

(If I dig long enough, water will appear I just know it!)

d’aww :3

omg Jojo was such a cute puppy! >_<

Thu, 19 Jul 2012 02:57:00 -0600

omg Jojo was such a cute puppy! >_<

I just want to rip my fucking heart out of my chest so I don’t have to feel this anymore.

Mon, 07 May 2012 23:37:11 -0600

I just want to rip my fucking heart out of my chest so I don’t have to feel this anymore.

vtm-kid: venting without the help of humans. stupid...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 22:17:55 -0600

vtm-kid:

venting without the help of humans. stupid humans.

The most beautiful, strongest human being I know. No matter how hard or how many times you may fall, we’re here to catch you—whether you like it or not, whether or not you want or need us to Vy. We will always be behind you—there to support you when you are ready to trust us. We aren’t going anywhere. ♥❤♥

It’s funny how one single moment can lead you back to all those moments you felt insecure, and...

Thu, 05 Apr 2012 01:15:14 -0600

It’s funny how one single moment can lead you back to all those moments you felt insecure, and it is in that moment that you realize you have a reason to be.

You should be.

Rant.

Wed, 04 Apr 2012 01:41:00 -0600

The fucking nerve some people have.

To think that you would get away with it. Not this time, and sure as hell not with her. How fucking dare you think that you can pull that shit?! Who do you think you are?! I don’t think you realize just how many people would have died to have been in your place and you went and fucked it up. GOOD GOING DUMBASS. She fucking deserves better.

Better than your low-life ass. Better than your constant lies. Better than your piece of shit game. I hope you know that you haven’t won shit. No, this was your fucking loss. There will come a day where you’ll look back and realize that you fucked up and I hope you regret it every day because you just lost the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to your low-life, piece of shit, dumb ass.

I’m glad you’re out of the picture because you were never good enough for her. You could never amount to everything that she deserves. No, you’re just another black and white empty body who lives in this world thinking that he can just play with peoples’ hearts all fucking day long. I hope this mistake comes around and bites you in the fucking ass and sticks you in your fucking place. No one, and I mean NO ONE deserves the shit you put her through.

Ryan, little do you know, she’s stronger than you think and she has so many people who will catch her no matter how many times she may fall.

Didn’t you realize that no matter how many times you pushed her down, she got back up.

This time will be no different.

Me: I love you so much, you don't even know.

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 01:20:00 -0600

Me: I love you so much, you don't even know.
Him: Well, I have forever to find out (:

moments.

Sat, 31 Mar 2012 18:25:37 -0600

Those little moments that bring you the greatest joy. Not because there was anything extravagant involved, but because the seemingly insignificance of that moment causes those rare, raw emotions to become something familiarly beautiful.

How just sitting at a red light—our cars side by side, windows rolled down, playfully staring each other down like we were about to race (knowing I would lose if it were real)—could make me feel so surprisingly.. .happy. It truly is a wonderful feeling—the honesty of our love.

It’s moments like that I cherish the most. We don’t have to say three words to express our love.. .it’s radiated through our laughter, our smiles.. .the simplest of actions.

thoughts.

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 17:28:00 -0600

When an old friendship becomes lost, finding that thread that once bonded those two close people—that laughter, those smiles, those jokes, those tears, those lives.. .it seems almost impossible.

After awhile you just choose to give up and realize what once was, is no longer what is. Your efforts slowly fade. You slowly take steps back.

And where you once stood becomes emptiness and you—just a shadow.

Real friendship is such a hard thing to find. It seems like all friendships go through that phase where you talk everyday, on a routine basis and slowly drifts into that phase of “hey, how are you” and awkward, forced conversation. In the end, it comes back to where it all began—strangers.

Life. It’s such a funny thing. You never know who is really going to be there when it really matters until situations arise and you are forced to find out just how many friends you truly have.

Smile.: Lately I’ve been moody when it comes to materialistic things. My...

Fri, 03 Feb 2012 12:08:28 -0700

Smile.: Lately I’ve been moody when it comes to materialistic things. My...:

vyvysaur:

Lately I’ve been moody when it comes to materialistic things. My parents won’t let me have a job because they believe I should focus on my studies and they’ll buy anything I need. So I use that offer whenever I need it. Yet they use that offer as permission to let them make fun of me for being…

You can say what you want about what I’m going to say—I’m a bitch, I don’t know where you’re coming from, I’m selfish, etc. But I say this from experience. I say this as a bitch who possibly cares the most.

STOP FOLLOWING OTHER PEOPLE’S WISHES. If you’re tired of it, just stop. Stop your baby crying. Stop following other people like a little dog. Stop being who other people want you to be just because you don’t know who you are yourself. Stop blaming other people for your actions and making yourself look like the victim. YOU choose who you want to be, what kind of person you are, and how others will see you. You are the “victim” because you make yourself the “victim.”

You never have your way you say? It is because you are too busy trying to please other people by being someone other than yourself. That’s your choice and no one else’s. You choose to live that way. You choose to belittle yourself.STOP. Does it make you feel like a good person? A better person? A selfless person? Because you’re not. In doing that, you are the most selfish person. Empowering those that are probably a bunch of assholes in the first place. Living your life through others is not actually living your life.

It doesn’t make me feel sorry for you, pity you, or sympathize with you. You sit there making yourself look like such an innocent victim of such “pain” and “sorrow” and you’re not. You don’t have to do anything, you choose to do it. You choose to live the life you lead. If you choose to let others lead it for you then don’t complain. You’re only the victim of your own actions; your own choices. Period. You empower other people by conforming to fit their needs and expectations, why? Why lose yourself for the sake of others? Can you not be your own person?

Live up to your own expectations, don’t expect others to live up to them for you because you are awaiting disappointment. The world is filled with selfish people, if you can’t carry yourself, no one will.

So stop. Be your own person. Make your own expectations. The outcome of your life is within your power.

Just a little reminiscing and reflection.

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:41:43 -0700

Heh it still gets me.. .how many people I used to be so close to, how open I used to be, how giggly and hyper my personality once was. Once. And now, I just feel like a zombie sometimes. Friends, they used to be such an important factor in my life—to my happiness. Used to. Somewhere along the way I let go—let go of myself, let go of them. Sometimes I wonder if I regret it—losing those connections I had so desperately fought to keep close.

If you were to ask me why, I can only tell you that I lost hope. Lost hope in myself and my worth, my helpfulness and overall importance. That I gave up. On everyone and myself.

If you were to ask me if I regret it I would surely ponder, but

When I stopped fighting, so did they.

The friends that came to matter still exist in my life today. Our friendship is not based on how often we talk, when it matters I will be there for them regardless of whether or not my presence is of any help or not.

It’s funny though.. .of all the ones that I once thought to be my best of friends, only two still show their face. Why they stayed as others fled is beyond me, but I will cherish their kindness for they will always be my best friends.

It’s been a long time since I’ve ran in the dark. Not caring where my legs were taking...

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 22:11:58 -0700

It’s been a long time since I’ve ran in the dark. Not caring where my legs were taking me, where I would end up, how much time had passed.. .just putting one foot in front of the other.

Heart pounding wondering if the echoing of those foot steps falling to the ground were mine or of another, but not bothering to look back - just assume they’re mine. Heart racing wondering if those shadows are the silhouette of someone waiting to jump out at me, or just the swaying of trees. Heart beat accelerating wondering if those rustling noises are the cause of the wind, a rabbit, or a human.

The crisp air burning through my nostrils as I inhale. Running until my feet go numb from furiously pounding onto the terrain; until my legs, cheeks, face go numb from the wind whipping across me; until my breaths come faster, harder, almost wheezing; until my head starts pounding, and I begin to feel lightheaded; until my whole body feels light.

Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve ran. A long time since I’ve felt so free - no stress, no anger, no frustration, just me and the crisp cold darkness of the night (:

Long time.

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 22:01:00 -0600

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything filled with anything other than happiness; no pain, no tears, no darkness.. .Now that I am alone with my thoughts, forced to look upon the past, and how much of a fool I let myself become, I can’t help but fall back. I read about the things that happen to you and I hurt for you, my tears shed for you, but I do nothing.. .Why is it so hard to say a single word to you? Why is it so hard to let myself trust you again? Was what you did really that bad?.. .or have I just given up on friendship? I wish I could say that I never left you alone, never left you alone in the dark to find your own way out, to go through all the pain alone.. .but I can’t.. .I can’t because that’s exactly what I did. I wish I could say that I was there to help you up, fight back those fucking assholes that give good guys a bad rep, endure the pain with you, to keep you from falling so infinitely. I wish I could say that I was always there for you to count on, to turn to. That I never gave up no matter how hard you pushed me away, but I did. It seems like you’re finally finding your way back, and I wish I could say that I played the slightest part in being the light to guide you, but I can’t. I wish I could tell whether or not it is real, or just another face, but once again.. .I can’t. I left you helpless. Turned my back on you because I was too stubborn to look past the mistakes we may have made in our friendship. What a useless fucking friend. I should’ve stood by my promises, fought back my anger, and just fucking be there for you. But I couldn’t. I wish I could tell you why I still refuse to face you, but I would stumble over my own words because I simply can’t find a reason. Am I just too ashamed of myself? Knowing that maybe I could have prevented all of it, but didn’t.. .

Perhaps it is because I am, in fact, no better than the useless, empty bodies I despise so passionately.

I’m sorry. I wish those words were enough, yet I know they never will be. I should have been there.. .I promised.. .I fucking promised.

I’m glad you found out who your true friends are; the friends worth keeping. I’m sorry I wasn’t one of them. I was never the friend you made me out to be Esther.. .and for that, and so much more, I’m more than sorry.

-adequate: The thing about putting up an idgaf attitude is,...

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 20:34:50 -0700

-adequate:

The thing about putting up an idgaf attitude is, after a while, you’re so use to not giving two shits about anyone but yourself that you forget how to care for others. You don’t realize the people you loved the most, left because of, well, you. And you’re so busy convincing yourself you don’t need anyone but yourself, when in truth, the only thing that kept you sane was the warmth of the people around you.

This is what scares me when I want to just drop everything and walk away from you, just to scare you. What if I get so numb to the feeling of not caring about you that I forget I genuinely do and always will? I don’t want to become so full of pride, I forget one of the most important people in my life. And then again, sometimes I think you need a real scare. A wake up call; that I won’t keep caring unless if you give me a reason to.

"Because sometimes the people you can't live without, can live without you."

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 22:01:03 -0700

My eyes have always screamed "I miss you,"

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 14:31:00 -0700

But you avoided them for so long that it’s no wonder why you never saw it.

Now my eyes do all they can to avoid yours.. .I wonder if you’ll ever see it.

The guilt has yet to dissipate.